So I guess this is what happens when I do not write for a week. I open this blank page ready to knock it out and the thought of “shit, how do I write again?!” floods my exhausted, yet hungry-to-write brain.
I know I’m not the only one who can tell my writing gets worse the longer periods I go without publishing on here, sorry. But, hey, when you’re growing a human inside of you some days you just have to throw up your hands (or your food in my case) and surrender the desire to achieve simply anything that day. Passing out with a donut in hand is called for once in awhile and I grant you permission to do so as well… as long as it’s a chocolate donut with rainbow sprinkles.
So now that I have strung you along for two paragraphs with no sign of a theme for this piece, I’ll go ahead and change gears into something that may make your skin crawl because ew who wants to talk about health care, but hear me out, I may actually help you for once.
I was raised to believe and abide by anything a doctor or health care worker told me. I regularly attended check-ups with my primary care provider as a kid and hit the hospital once for passing the heck out in the back of an airplane due to my brain attempting to process my parents nasty divorce at 11 years old. Who says mental doesn’t affect physical right? Proof. And for that matter, as unconscious as I was, I do not remember that experience super well.
So as a kid, I thought everything I heard was true about my body, about medicine, about physicians, about the system itself. My brain deemed it as doctors know best. And as a child, there were never any circumstances as to where I needed to question anyone in a doctors office. I was healthy, therefore, they sort of left me alone and I had fine visits as a patient.
But as I got older and into my 20’s, a concern took me over in the question that always leads us to an impromptu doc visit. That being, “Is this normal?” I shall refrain from going into gruesome details, but essentially I had frequent pain in my groin area. Had it since I was 14 and thought it was normal so I never thought anything of it until it persisted at age 21. Like I said, in growing up, if there is a medical concern you always outsource to the doc. Big mistake at that point. I saw about 4 or 5 different OBGYN’s who all told me different things. It could be this. It could be that. “The only thing I could do for you is put you on birth control or give you an invasive surgery to see if you have endometriosis. There is no other way of diagnosing it.”
Birth control was a hard NO as I had gotten off of that in college. I wanted to feel my natural Kelly self and the birth control thing had often through me for a mysterious loop. So, because a doc only gave me two options and made me cry saying I’m not sure if you’ll be able to have kids one day forced me to “choose” to go under the knife. The anesthesiologist told me 10 minutes before the laparoscopy that I’d be knocked out with morphine. That was not relayed to me prior. I could go on and on, but I want to jump to the good and positive stuff sooner than later.
Turns out, they barely found anything in there. They told me they found a piece of endometrial tissue and snagged it off. And maybe that did help. But the pain proceeded.
Fast forward to 8 months later and I receive a “Natural Birth Control & Fertility Book” from one of my lovely friends as a bridal shower gift. HA because you know that first married was thee night for take off if you know what I mean. As I read through the 500 page old school text, the answer that I had been searching for in the mouths of many doctors for a year was highlighted and bolded right there in front of my eyes.
Around ovulation your uterus drops and opens. Therefore, it is normal to feel some pain during your ovulation window. When I was on birth control, I didn’t know when I ovulated. I was way out of tune with my cycle because I relied on the pill to do all the work for me. But now that I was paying close attention to every day of my cycle and the physical sensations in my body, I found the missing puzzle piece… on my own, because of a book. After tracking it for several months, turns out the author was spot on. I’d feel pain around my time of ovulation. Nothing was wrong. Everything was normal.
Think about it. My insurance company paid these hospitals thousands of dollars. I paid probably over $100 in co-pays and I heard fear and robotic responses coming out of some workers, not to mention feeling heavily violated for all the pelvic exams I did receive. Some more aggressive than others that unfortunately still stick with me to this day. Memories involving your body stand out more than memories that don’t.
Allow me to clarify that this message is not to bash doctors, I had one of the best visits of my life today with a Midwife and Medical Assistant at the Charleston Birth Center.
I am telling you this for your benefit. No one likes being talked down to. No one enjoys poor experiences in the health care system. I am simply telling you this to help open your eyes and to train your intuition when you enter into these large systems like hospitals and doctors offices. Here are some things to begin to explore:
You know your own body more than anyone else.
Do your own research. I have found books to be more helpful than the internet.
Remember to communicate with your doc in a way that is kind, but very direct. Remember, you are paying them to help YOU.
If something does not ring true to you, question them. Ask questions, no need to fear. If a doc instills you with fear, use your discernment on what to do or say next… Is that somewhere you want to be? Do things to your body motivated by fear?
Be strong! Just because you did not attend med school, you absolutely know more than you think you do.
If you enter into an office, like I did today, these 5 principles will not even need to be present in your mind. When there is a flow with your provider, you know it. Everything falls away and there is a beautiful exchange of realness. There are some really good ones out there who adore their job and really want to help you. Others, not so much. Which is why we should be '“team gentle skeptic” on the first interaction.
Today, my midwife was reassuring, positive, enthusiastic, and easy to talk to and connect with. She didn’t talk down to me once. She reassured me that it is highly likely my baby is going to be healthy. She explained every detail as to what she was doing on my body without resistance. It was certainly a refreshing experience after feeling at war, aka powerless, with other OBGYN’s here in Charleston. Today blew fresh wind into my sails and gave me clarity as to what I need and desire when giving the care of my body into someone else’s hands. Like I said, there are some angels out there, thank goodness.
I love talking about care and our bodies and the health care system as a whole, so please please reach out if you ever want to explore it or have any questions. By no means do I have a medical degree. But I do have a wide range of experiences as a patient.
This, my friends, is diving deeper into breaking down our mind’s societal constructs and replacing it with something more beautiful and honest, guiding us closer and closer to that something we’re all searching for. Have you noticed any changes in your thinking yet?
XOXO,
Kelly.