I was undone yesterday. My mind broke. I was shattered open. Felt like my whole self was crumbling to the floor as my therapist stares at me, looking cool and lovely with her cool-fashioned eye glasses, I on the other hand, have no clue what she’s going to ask next.
No longer were these sessions comfort sessions. No longer was she telling me what I wanted to hear. No longer was there room for nicey-nicey.
I was lost at sea. Waiting to grab onto any nearby boat or pole I could grab onto. Looking for something to tell me I’m okay, that things are okay. Isn’t this my therapist’s job? Why won’t she dive in? She usually dives right in after me? Why not now? She used to. What the heck. What’s going on?!
I treaded water through the repelling riptides of my emotions for 20 more minutes. Waiting for the time she’d dive in. Tell me the right thing. Tell me what I wanted to hear in order to feel safe again.
She didn’t.
“Can you summarize this entire session and help me out here?” I asked her.
“Why don’t you answer that?” she replies with no remorse.
So I answered her. I told myself what I wanted to hear. I told myself the things that I am and the things that I am not. I told her the baseline of who I am.
“Perfect. Those are the exact words I would have told you,” she smiles.
I stumbled into my car and drove toward James Island to meet my husband for lunch. On the drive, the thoughts of not liking my therapist ran through my head. Thoughts of feeling so uncomfortable about what just happened in that office electrocuting my body. But as I looked up at the sun emotionally done-zo for the day, something slowly started clicking.
I begin externalizing bits and pieces to Ross as we eat our fish lunch, my eyes all puffy and red.
Then he smiles. I start laughing.
Holy shit.
We figured it out.
She forced me to spot my negative sense of self, my weak belief system. Then, CRASH. My sense of self begins to burn up in thin air as she stares intently at me while I’m crying hoping she’ll save me. She doesn’t. She makes me save myself.
And at the very end. I finally told myself the truth, what I knew the truth to be.
My nervous system was calm the rest of the day.
I rooted out everything false and started from scratch. And now we build the real foundation. The strong foundation of who I am. But you cannot build a strong foundation until your weak one is burned up and thrown into the fire.
If you’re stuck and you can’t unstuck yourself realize these two things. 1: You’re not alone. Most people are pretty stuck. We’re all just masked up. 2: You need a guide to lead you through the muck, to lead you out into un-chartered waters. To destroy your false sense of self and force you to go looking for who you are. It takes bravery and vulnerability. I have the utmost respect for people who willing confront themselves to do. the. work.
Remember, no one know themselves other than YOU.
This, my friends, is a woman who thinks psychotherapy is pretty fucking genius.
XOXO,
KJ.