Have you ever been through a season where you were less needed? Or maybe you felt less needed? What was it like for you? Are you someone your friends seek for advice and love? I was. But that seems to have changed.
Being married is the second best thing that has ever happened to me. But getting married and being the first of my friends and family to walk down the aisle has made me realize that I am no longer a priority in others’ lives. And naturally, they may be thinking the same thing. In this piece, I hope to speak to those who aren’t married yet and who do have friends that are married, hoping to debunk some of the preconceived notions surrounding friendships.
First off, I understand it. I understand. While I was single, I never had any close friends get married, but if I had, I think I’d probably feel different, maybe even weird face-timing them in the middle of the day. Or sending them a weird and goofy text or an obnoxious meme of Santa Claus smoking a joint. I’d probably convince myself of all the ways this person is too busy for me and doesn’t need me like they used to anymore. Trust me, I empathize. And some of my writing has probably turned you off considering I went through a phase of no one-on-one coffee dates. I guess I wasn’t thinking of the consequences before I sent that out. But hey, that’s why art is so eccentric and paradoxical, hey? I admit it. I’m a walking paradox.
My mind runs wild imagining some of the thoughts that would race through my mind if a close friend or sister or cousin got married.
She has her man now, probably busy home-making, having tons of sex, and falling into her newfound love… adjusting to her new chapter.
That is absolutely true. But my hope is to invite you into this new chapter. I want you in this chapter. It’s beautiful and hard and wild all at once. It forces you to change. I have changed. But I still hold close some old parts of myself and I need you to bring that out in me like you always used to. Embrace the change and cultivate the old fun-ness, yea? (Will not disclose sex life here, sorry).
She has a house, a husband, and money now. I have none of those, it’s awkward to be around her when there’s nothing in common anymore.
I’m not better than anyone who isn’t married. I’m not better than anyone who makes less money than I do. I’m no better than anyone who rents an apartment. For some reason, our society has placed such high value on these things that they have become a block to authentic relationships. If anything, these gifts make me more stagnant and unapproachable. And that sucks coming from a minimalist like myself. Just because I have accumulated these things doesn’t mean the Kelly you used to know has vanished. She’s still here. She still struggles. She still has no freaking idea what she’s doing at age 25. Her inner battle is no different than yours.
What if all she wants to talk about is married life. Or even worse, try and force me to get married and have kids?
Super justified thought. And I have made mistakes on this and am still working on this area so please forgive me if I’ve ever made you feel less than in the process. I believe everyone should get married and have a family at their own pace. And it’s their choice whether to bring that up with me or not. But just know that it all comes from a place of love. I want to see my friends happy. I want to see them loved and taken care of, considered, adored, and pursued. So if I ever ask you about it and you feel uncomfortable, tell me. From now on, I’ll probably just wait for you to bring up marriage and kids. When and if you do, I’ll jump up and down like Jacky Legs from “Kangaroo Jack.”
We used to party hard, swear, and say ridiculous stuff to each other. I feel like I can’t do that anymore with and around her.
Allagash White, Saviuagn Blanc, Moscow Mules… I still love them all, bring them on. I still swear. It’s part of my blood as an Irish northerner from an outspoken-tempered family. And I ain’t ashamed of it. Okay, well I’ve toned it down so I don’t sound like a college trash girl anymore. But I still do it because I say that if *s*** belongs in the sentence to elevate your point, then why the hell not use it? You see, I’m still here.
I’d love to call her and ask her for advice on this, but she may be busy or won’t understand because we’re in such different places.
Again, this is accurate, but not 100% correct. I may be busy, yes, I’d say more unplugged from my phone than busy… because this modern paradigm scares the hell out of me and I will not conform to these robots taking over our world. BUT, if you are in need, I am here. If you are a friend of mine, even an acquaintance and you want someone to listen to you or give advice, I am HERE. Through and through. Loyalty and vulnerability are my favorite aspects of my friendships. It’s being there for one another when shit hits the fan. And guess what…
She has a husband, she doesn’t need me anymore.
…Shit hits the fan still. This one is huge. I may need you even more. You see, my husband- no husband actually- has the capacity to fuel our emotional needs as women. That’s why friendships still exist. My husband is not my God. My friends are not my God. But God has granted us different organs and moving parts in order to fuel our souls. The first for me is marriage. I see it as the heart, but then community/friendships may complete the stomach. Family, perhaps the legs. Education/curiosity, the brain. And on and on. All of these different parts of the human body must be working in order for the person to function well. I need my stomach in order to harbor food and fuel my heart to love my husband. I need friendships in order to be a better version of myself, to feel purposeful, to feel joyous and loved, and to love in return. Yes, I have a wonderful husband. But we’re better in our marriage when we see friends.
I miss being needed and desired by friends and family.
My mistake is that I’ve convinced myself I don’t need my friends as much as I used to since I have Ross. But that’s just a lie. I need them still, just as much as before. Maybe it’s just in a different way. I’m still the crazy Kelly I used to be. Sure, I’m a little more tamed, and boy talk and partying and drugs don’t consume our conversations anymore, but I’m still here. Open arms and ready to maintain and fuel connection with those I love. To show those that marriage is wonderful and everlasting and divine, not suffocating and scary and doomed. To show those that I need them just as much as they used to need me. I am changed. But my care and love for those around me still remain.
XOXO,
Kelly
Kelly, sounds like quite a few unsubstantiated assumptions, and you know what they say what happens when we assume things!