~Though I don’t know you, I can assure you that you were uniquely and beautifully made and deserve to live freely~
I’ll be quite frank. I don’t know what to write about, today. Shocker.
Well I do know what to write about, as a matter of fact, I have a lot to write about, but I can’t write about what it is I want to write about…………….. not yet at least.
So I guess today we’ll explore the topic of “secrets” in general terms… and essentially expose myself as a mad hypocritical gal. HA.
Upon the analysis of how my body is responding to this secret, these questions come to mind: Why are they hard to keep? Why do we like to know others’ secrets? Is there a place for secrets in the first place? Where did secrets even come from? Do secrets predict the rest of our lives and how our personalities transform? Does it take the reigns as to which mate we choose?
Like I said, because I have a secret that is slowly making its way out of me, it is still in me, blocking me and when I am not flowing, my writing is blocked so forgive me if this piece is not my best…
Though my secret is not a demon nor is it traumatic, I have experienced that kind before, and from what I can remember… they are soul-shaking in the worst of ways. On the other end of the spectrum, secrets can just be simple negative thoughts about what we believe about ourselves. Secrets are something we are scared to share in the fear of embarrassment or shame.
No matter what your secret is, we can recognize that it affects your body, heart, and mind. Holding emotions and feelings and events inside of ourselves for a length of time begin to take forms in ways we cannot consciously see or feel. Mine happens to manifest through loss of appetite, thus lack of eating. So my physical goes first, then my psychological is crushed because I become obsessed with the fear that I haven’t eaten and then my body grows weaker and weaker, and then, boom before I know it my spiritual clarity diminishes shortly thereafter. I always wondered if I was the only one, but as my lovely friends were open with me as much as I was with them, turns out I’m not the only one. It appears that the human race faces it. I am not a natural secret holder, never have been. I don’t do well with secrets… clearly. They’re not really for external processors like myself. It’s kinda like eating black mold. It goes against everything your body needs in order for proper and healthy growth and nourishment.
Can you relate to this in any capacity? Have you ever had a secret that you held inside yourself or maybe it was someone else’s secret you had to harbor out of loyalty, thus manifesting in your body some restlessness, anxiety, fear, and other emotions that we don’t even have the emotional intelligence to name? This is more prominent than we think. Maybe it’s a small factor as to why poor mental health is a norm among adolescents and twentysomethings. Could it be that everyone is afraid to share their heart? Are you ashamed of who they are or what you’ve done or said? Well, guess what, you shouldn’t be. Though I don’t know you, I can assure you that you were uniquely and beautifully made and deserve to live freely.
You may wonder, why can’t we just have secrets and be okay? Why do our bodies and mental states fall apart when we are hiding something?
Harboring secrets inside of ourselves goes against human nature itself.
Secrets take form in isolation which then creates feelings of loneliness. Side note, whenever you see a requirement to “isolate” it’s motivated out of fear. Don’t listen to it and do the opposite, there is deception involved I can assure you.
Secrets cause us to want to escape in ways we should actually resist the escaping desire. As for myself, when I had a few secrets pent up inside me for 8 years, no partying, no drinking, no drugs, no sex, no schooling could ever make it go away as my soul wanted it to. Nope. It remained inside of me until the bubbles surfaced so aggressively that I could no longer try and pop them away myself. So…
They finally found their way out and into the light by the grace of Susan my therapist, Ross my husband, but all credit is owed to the God who gave me the bravery to face my own heart.
So then why do secrets go against our nature as humans?
Simple. We have been created to live blissfully in connection. We have been made to connect, share, explore, to make sense of things. We have been created to do life together. To pull secrets out of each other, from a place of love, in order to create safe spaces for others, and to be an initiator in the healing process of our fellow loved ones and strangers.
For example, I just got off the phone with one of my friends and pretty much word vomited my secret all over her with a bunch of emotions of course following the facts of it all. But in opening up to her, she was able to place words as to why I am feeling the way I am (I’ll share with you soon, I swear) and in doing so, she normalized it which took me out of isolation. Then in a minute, all the confusion vanished.
Isolation happens in our minds. Often it happens in our subconscious and we don’t even realize we’re isolating ourselves from the rest of the world. Once this thought makes its way into your conscious mind and you recognize it as danger maybe through a knot in your stomach, that’s when you should act. Get out of your house, call a friend, write it all down, go to a bar or doggy park to talk to strangers… do something, even if it involves getting written up by the cops for stepping out of quarantine. Lots of you can already see how I feel about that. My point is, a connection is essential. It’s eternal. Our souls were made for it. Look at all the other animal species who walk this earth. Birds fly in flocks… together. Bears hunt for fish… together. Fish swim in schools… together. Doing things together has been involved in the evolution and science in the functioning of this earth. Humans should function and are not made to function any differently from an animal species in this way.
Now for the quick close. If you have a secret inside of you, share it with someone you trust. Heck, share it with someone who doesn’t even know you. Get it all off your chest, use your voice, and be different than the rest of humanity while being an instrument in tying humanity back together like the mother who travels and leads her cubs in the wilderness.
Listen, we all have or had secrets. We all have things we feel shameful for and petrified about and humiliated by. But once you speak it out, once you ask for someone to listen, once you step into the challenge and uncomfortable space and face it with strength and not fear, you will heal. You will come out of that and your beautiful self will begin to flow again. And who knows where being free could take you, how it could transform you and take you to a place you never dreamed of being. Maybe it could take you further along in your spiritual journey, your life journey, and give you what you’ve been looking for these past couple of years. I know you feel like your close to something, like you’re getting closer and closer to something big. If you’re reading this and it’s sinking in then I can confirm that you are very close. Keep seeking, keep questioning, keep connecting.
So, says the woman, the writer, who has a secret, who is being hypocritical and not sharing with you, who is probably sucking her way through this writing piece… I confess that this secret has blocked me this week. Once I can tell you and it will be in the next two posts, hopefully, my s*** will get better. Bear with me, I’m still out here trying to find my voice.
This, my friends, is the psyche of a secret-stuffin’, hypocritical & blocked writer.
XOXO,
Kelly.