I’ve reached this place that I never thought I’d ever be. Never thought I’d ever want to be in. But, beneath the surface, it turns out it is everything that I’ve ever wanted and so much more. Oh, and you’ll never believe what transpired this feeling, this state of all-consuming consciousness.
It was born out of watching my Mother clean my shower yesterday and waking up to a video of my Father riding a mechanical bull.
You see, you become a mother and your world shrinks. It has to. Your world matches the world of a little growing human. There’s no ifs, and’s, or but’s. That’s how parenthood was designed. It’s scary, for certain. Utter self-sacrifice is the most challenging thing in the world as you watch your identity from years ago vanish before your eyes, leaving you longing for those drunken rebel nights of your youth. Longing for cozying up next to the bonfire by the lake while you watch your parents laugh and guzzle their last sip of beer. Those were the days. Nostalgia creeps in around the edges. I fight it everyday. Or, perhaps… I invite it.
Sometimes I ask myself, “Am I living the life I want to live?” Some days, yes. Many days, no. But, in this fight, I have come to a realization, a foreign, yet familiar place in life. Even though, I’m the adult now, I’m the one who is parenting, I’m the one who is steering the ship, being the one to exhaust myself in calling the shots… the one who has fully individuated from her parents. Something else has transformed in the midst. Change, but a familiar change.
In being as individuated as I am now, I’m reliving the feeling of my youth. Birthing my child has re-birthed me. But, on a greater scale.
Being 27 years old, married and raising a baby has realigned me. In what ways you might ask? Well, here’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for.
I have re-fallen in love with my parents. Motherhood has re-birthed my mediate family.
I am closer to my mother and my father more than I ever have been before. They are all I care about. I choose time with them over friends now, over mini-vacations. Time with them is just so precious, so sacred. The feeling is like opening a treasure chest filled with pearls, when all you can think about is digging for and finding that one piece of gold hiding at the bottom. My mother and father are those pieces of gold. And I’ve found them.
Time with them is not forever, something you never consider as a child. So every conversation counts. Every hug means something. Every smile and laugh is another subtle spurt of seratonin, every visit bringing even more joy than the last.
Not a day goes by anymore that I don’t thank the Creator of this Universe for providing parents who love me deeply. How they love my new family more than anything. They are everything.
Though I question whether I’m living the fullest life possible, if I’m doing all the cool things that everyone else is doing, if living a thrilling life is even possible as a parent, I know that connecting with my parents transcends any of these daily soul wonders. Because when my parents are gone someday, when I’m crying over their graves, roses in hand, I’ll be basking in endless memories and profound gratitude… never regret.
Isn’t this what life is all about? Love and only love. Soulful, real, unconditional love.
You guys, when I became a parent, I re-fell in love with my own parents. Even the impossible is possible.
XOXO,
Kelly Jett.
P.S. Going surfing in a storm right now. I guess you do keep cool parts of yourself after all.