Remember the “Oh Secrets” post from last week? Remember I told you I was hiding a secret, but couldn’t share it with you yet? Remember that post was probably my worst writing piece because the secret was blocking every part of my left brain? Yes. I promised I’d tell you, so here goes nothing…
I’m 5 weeks PREGNANT!!!!
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Was it a surprise? Yes.
Was I excited at first? Definitely not.
Am I excited now? Oh yes, yes, yes.
Does everyone know now? NO. Do not tell Bob Foley (my Dad). I’m waiting until he visits me next week so SHH!!
Is my husband excited? Yes. He’s going to be the best father ever, eek!!
Isn’t it too early to tell people in case you have a miscarriage? I don’t think so. I’d rather have a number of my loved ones support me and gather around me if that does happen.
So are my newsletters here on out going to consist of the process of pregnancy? No. Though I do warn you that I’ll be dropping the “P” word plenty because venting about only unclogs me since it’s sort of the biggest thing happening in my life right now. But, I plan to still write about my psyche as a new writer, along with exploring the constructs of Gen Z & millennials and offering alternative ways of thinking.
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Maybe, just maybe, my life is beginning… not ending.
Up until now, I’ve always thought that when I have a baby, I’ll never be able to travel again like I used to. I’ll never finish my book. I’ll never make it as a professional writer as I’ve wanted to. I’ll never travel and speak at different colleges and conferences. I’ll never reach the dreams I’ve begun chasing after. My life is ending because I’m having a child and I’ll never ever be able to focus on myself ever again. I’m certainly doomed.
But you know what I told my husband on Sunday in my hormonal and freaking out state, I expressed, “Hunny, I can’t freaking wait to get out of myself and have this child. I want to stop constantly thinking about myself!!!”
All I focus on and obsess over is if I’m feeling good or nauseous or tired. If my writing is well-liked or if I’m pissing a lot of people off. If I’m getting enough love from my husband. If I’m giving enough love to him. If I’m working hard enough today or if I’m being a lazy unaccomplished blob. If I’m keeping in good enough touch with my friends and family. If I’m giving this baby enough nourishment if I’m eating enough. If I’m eating healthy. If I’m exercising enough. If I need alone time tomorrow.
IF, IF, IF. ME, ME, ME. Vom, vom, vom. I’ve exhausted my body, mind, and spirit by worrying too much about my body, mind, and spirit.
Whether you’re pregnant or not, which most of you who I am writing to are not, this notion of self-focusing could apply to you too.
There’s so much about self-this and self-that… could this be why our anxiety is so high? We’re always thinking about ourselves, spending our hours thinking about our thoughts. It appears we just cannot get out of our own restless minds. It’s like the world is teaching us that the outlet out of our minds is to feed into the self-care and self-love constructs by actions like scrolling through Instagram in the doc office waiting room, by canceling friends’ dates or phone calls to nap, to sitting in a coffee shop typing instead of chatting with the one next to you. I’m embarrassed to admit that I fall under every single construct I just named, often too much. Heck, I canceled a friend date last week because Ross and I got into a disagreement in the middle of the day. She was already at the place waiting for me and I flaked. Not cool. Too focused on myself, on fixing our problem, on us, on me. Are you following?
Let me be clear before we go on, taking alone time and time for ourselves is essential for us to re-energize and be better for others so I’m not negating the fact that we need time for ourselves in order to function. We do. I’d be a walking zombie if I didn’t have time for myself. But what I am saying is that the abundance of self-care that society messaging is injecting into us could be holding us back from being uncomfortable and stretched and grown in the way we all humans desire. these self-care techniques and branding could be holding us back from making connections, from checking in on friends randomly, from entering into the most beautiful realm of life… marriage, and creating new life. We love comfortability. Too much.
I’m addicted to myself. We’re all addicted to ourselves. We can’t simply just get out of our own way and let something else take innocent and loving control of our lives.
I can’t wait to have this child so I can stop worrying about whether I’m ever going to be a well-known author and just focus on nurturing a freshly newly designed human creature. What if being a mom gives me the confidence to keep writing, to finish this book? What if it jumpstarts my professional life? Who says I can’t travel? I’m bringing that toddler and my husband to an exchange farm in Wyoming and teaching them all about plants and farming and animals and nature. My point is, all of these desires do not stop. You just have to get creative with it.
It may sound as if I’m too hopeful, too dreamy and you may be right. But I am reluctant to believe that life stops when you get married. I am reluctant to believe that life stops when having a baby. Heck, I know a rockin’ mom with three kids who also owns her own business and makes time for her husband and other people. It’s possible. Sure, something must give because this world is broken. But look at it this way, certain things have to give during certain seasons, then in another season will resurface again, that is if it’s part of your destiny.
For those of you who may think that life stops when you get married, ask yourself why? For those of you who think that life stops, even more, when you have a baby, ask yourself why. Are your reasons coming from leaving the self-care life that you’ve oh so lived and loved?
I’m not telling you to go get married or to have a baby. That would be self-righteous and ignorant of me. Each person reading this has a different purpose here on this earth. Being married and growing a family happens to be mine, it may not be yours. But if you’re uncomfortable at all or re-thinking certain areas of your life right now, good. You’re growing.
What I hope you take from this is an open-minded perspective. What’s stopping you from growing? Are you eager to step into something terrifying? If you have that desire. If you feel like something is pulling you to another chapter, to a different job, to a different mate, to marriage, to babies, to moving to Oregon… what are you waiting for? There is always a reason huge things like these ^ are placed on your heart.
I’ve discovered that each time I’ve entered into uncomfortable, maybe even terrifying territory like dating, engagement, writing, marriage, moving, therapy, talking through conflict with family… I’ve been met with a love that has beautifully changed my heart a full 180 degrees.
This, my friends, is the psyche of a newly pregnant writer.
XOXO,
Kelly.