~Whenever there is a loss, there is a gain. Whenever there is a gain, there is a loss~
Welcome to the map of life.
Now, I cannot speak this to be true for every people group, like the people of Haiti who have faced hurricane after hurricane, the assassination of their President, and political gang violence… this appears to be loss after loss after loss. I cannot admit this to be true for them because I have never experienced through life before that dark lens. That being said, I can speak for middle-class, white, young adult Americans. And what I have found is that life moves in a rhythm of losses and gains.
Before you read further, sit and think about what this means. Bring all your losses and all your gains to the table. Lay them out on a platter and let us explore how true this observation may be. Does it apply to your life? How do you feel about it? What does this all mean? Let’s begin. I’ve listed some of mine below.
When I got married.
Loss: independent, alone, self-care time. Flirty with men.
Gain: fully gave me over to the person I love and to love a person unconditionally for the rest of my life; to share it all with that someone
When I got pregnant.
Loss: sweet time with only my husband and myself as the focus
Gain: TBD. Prediction- to raise a beautiful human being on this earth
My friend/roommate committed suicide.
Loss: her smile, her hunger for life, her laughter, her loyalty, her beauty, her purpose. My friend; someone who I opened up to and trusted and loved
Gain: a different perspective on life, a deeper and more thoughtful one
Leaving California to come back to SC.
Loss: the beauty of the mountains, convenience of outdoors, peace, serenity, solitude
Gain: More grounded now while meeting and marrying Ross
Parents dysfunctional divorce at age 10.
Loss: a foundation that loves each other and paves the way for a healthy child. Being strong and firm in who I am. A peaceful childhood.
Gain: Empowered to do the opposite of them; ie stay married til’ I die and give our child more confidence to enter into the world
These good and bad occurrences were a part of shaping me. Some I learn and dwell more on the loss… that’s okay. Others I dwell more on the gain… that’s okay too. Why do you think there is a gain and loss for every circumstance in our lives? It’s like these two opposing feelings and understandings create tension. Usually, we see tension as a bad thing. I don’t. Tension moves us. It grows us and sanctifies us. It breaks us down and then redeems us. And eventually, once we can name that gain, we have grown a bit higher in maturity and understanding of the world and ourselves.
It’s like being in the ring of a wrestling match. We are constantly wrestling with these two opposing sides. But with that tension and with those battling and opposing observations and feelings, some would say we move forward. I would say it’s like peeling another layer off of the onion. It deepens us. Identifying with the loss and being unable to see the gain is dangerous and leads us to deprecation. Identifying too far with the gain means you have suppressed the pain of the loss. Mmm. Does this sound similar to politics? If you lean too far right, you hate anyone on the left. If you lean too far left, you hate anyone on the right. Do you see? You need BOTH. You need both opposing sides in order to walk peacefully. In order to empathize and to see clearly. Same goes for the events that occur in our lives. You need the loss and the gain in order to have clarity on who you are and what the world is.
If you’re someone who lost a family or friend. If you experienced a breakup. If you were diagnosed with a disease… heck if you caused hurt to someone I advise you this. Feel the loss first. Grieve your losses before you jump to “…but the positive thing is that XYZ…” Our human species do not like to grieve. We will do anything and everything to avoid it. It is just counterintuitive to our nature. We want to avoid any pain at all costs and stuff it with alcohol, vacations, social gatherings, work, or any busyness just to suppress it. But be careful, because suppressed grief will find its way to re-pop back up if it already hasn’t yet.
So, if something happened in your life (good or bad) and you still cannot see again in it. The work in you is not finished. You have not allowed yourself to feel and grieve what you’ve lost. But take heart, if you’ve realized this you’re already on the path to freedom. Find a time and give yourself that space. Sit with those thoughts and those memories. Ask to be opened up and softened and flooded with all that you have covered up for so long. Freedom. Release. Isn’t that what we’re all searching for?
This, my friends, is a writer who wants to feel free and who wants you to feel free too.
XOXO,
Kelly.